a slice of my life #3 the woman in the mirror.

I rallied myself today to go to a new exercise class at the fitness center, zumba. I knew I would have to modify so that I could make it thru the class and not end up in a 3 day fibromyalgia flare up. once the music started, my body began to move... not fast, not in sync with the others but to the beat of the music. I remembered how much I love to dance.
as I was trying to stay somewhat in sync with the class, I noticed a woman in the mirror I didn't recognize. she was trying so hard to stay with the beat of the music. she obviously hadn't been to this class before. her body was so much larger than anyone else in the class. she had worn clothes that were loose and wouldn't show her body's shape. her face looked tired. her posture was such that it looked like she was carrying the weight of her worries on her shoulders.
I remembered seeing a woman that looked a lot like her 13 years ago. back then she would have been about 40. the woman in the mirror looked to be in her 50's. thirteen years ago, she was thin and toned. it was clear that she spent a lot of time working out to keep her body fit. her hair had been long and blond.

I remember how proud she was of accomplishing the goal she had set for her 40th birthday. for the two years prior, she had set the goal of being a size 8 for her 40th birthday. she was obsessed with getting there. she had spent the prior 3 years trying to get pregnant and had gained her "pregnancy" weight without the joy of actually getting pregnant and delivering a healthy baby.

I remember her telling me that she has her own business, designing and creating wedding gowns. her business had been so busy that she often worked many many hours each day, 6-7 days a week.
she loved what she did, but it had already ruined two relationships and the stress was becoming unbearable. she had started a second business that in a few years would be able to replace the wedding gown business. she was so excited about this new venture.
she knew that for 3 years she would have to balance both businesses so that one could fade off and one could become her livelihood.
she was beautiful, confident and determined.

it wasn't until now that I remembered her back then. the woman in the mirror clearly was related to this other woman.

the woman in the mirror had carefully placed herself so that she couldn't watch herself move. I wondered why she had done that. this is such an awesome fitness center. no one cares what you look like, what you wear, they just want you there.
it seemed that this woman in the mirror was uncomfortable with herself. I wondered if she was unhappy. I decided after class to introduce myself to her.

she told me her story.
yes, that had been her 13 years ago. back then she lived near the beach and had recently moved to the mountains. it was 1999 that she had turned 40 and she had accomplished her goal and beyond. she was a size 6 on her 40th birthday. her plan of phasing out one business and replacing it with another was on track. she couldn't have been happier and more exhausted.
by 2001, she had opened a showroom in Denver for her new business. she still had a retail location, a huge design studio and a home studio as well. she was traveling between the three trying to keep up with both business's demands.
on 9/11/2001, she had been in Denver. it took her 4 days to get out and back to her home. she had decided to stay at her parents home for a few days when she got back. in the middle of the night, her dog and her parents dog came to her bed asking to go out... she sleepily got out of bed and walked down the first set of stairs.
as she went down the second set, her foot slipped off and she fell down about 4 stairs to the cold cement ground. she heard her ankle snap as she landed awkwardly on her leg. clearly she had broken her ankle and perhaps her leg as well.
she screamed out in pain for her parents to find her. they came running down to see her at the bottom of the stairs. her dad being very practical suggested that they pick her up and take her to the er. she screamed in pain to call 911. no one was going to move her but the emt or paramedics.
long story, short, she had broken her tibia and fibula severely. she needed surgery to put her bones back in place with screws and plates.
she knew as she was lying in the hospital that in the moment she slipped and fell, she also lost everything she was working towards. she was a one person business and it was clear that she wasn't going to be able to complete any of her holiday orders that she had spent the last two years cultivating.
I felt so badly for her.
here she had put together a plan to continue to be successful but by moving out of the bridal industry and into the home accessory industry, her stress levels would be reduced significantly and her life could become her own again.
she told me that shortly after her fall, she had been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and the depression/anxiety that comes with a chronic pain condition. in order to be at all functioning, she had to take a cocktail of medications... each had the side effect of weight gain. with each medication came an extra 10 or so pounds.
her svelt body was becoming rounder, fuller, fatter. to a point where she didn't recognize herself anymore.

during the past 13 years, she had broken her tibia and fibula, had also broken her foot, had a hysterectomy, had knee surgery to repair a torn meniscus and had also developed a major blood clot in her leg that required a lengthy hospital stay.
during the past 13 years, she had also provided hospice care for two loved ones.
during the past 13 years, she had become a foster care home and mothered two teenage girls.
during the past 13 years, she had met a young pregnant woman and mothered her as well.
during the past 13 years, she had been named godmother to the young woman's son. 
during the past 13 years, she had been received her godson after his birth mother was arrested and not able to care for him.
during the past 13 years, she had fought for his adoption.
during the past 13 years, finances were so difficult that they often ate at the St Anthony's dining room for lunch, gathered coins for gas and had to sell her wedding bands, family silver and jewelry for rent money.
during the past 13 years, she was humbled by living a life she had never expected to live.
during the past 13 years, she had tried to patch her business back together without success.
during the past 13 years, she had become a college instructor, an aquatic therapist, a community program director, a nanny and more.
the effects of the last 13 years had taken her to a point of being disabled.

but today, she was at her first zumba class, trying to keep up, making sure she couldn't see herself in the mirror. not recognizing herself when she caught a glimpse of the woman in the mirror.

perhaps now, she could be more compassionate and gentler to herself  because she knew that the woman she had remembered and the woman in the mirror was me.